I HATE MY CHILDREN!

Don't get me wrong, I thank my life every day for having such kind, beautiful, healthy and all in all wonderful children.

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But right now (on the day of writing this) I also feel lots of pain that has been accumulating in me for the past almost 9 years of being a mother...

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I know my love is there, but it's buried under layers of unexpressed resentment, hate, irritation, disappointment, rage and self-abuse that have everything to do with motherhood.

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Now the time has come to give this pain some space, be there for it, honour and recognise it and to let some of it go.

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Tonight after attempting to contain one of my son's emotional conflicts I realised that he hates us, although expresses it as hate towards himself. 

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And he has a full right to feel that way!

My husband and I were thinking back to everything that we had done wrong in his upbringing and we could totally accept this.

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However, his self-hatred is not surprising not only because we made our parental mistakes, but also due to other factors. When my son was born I was generally a very judgemental person: I judged myself and hated myself quite often. And of course, I blamed my son for not being a proper enough child - for example, putting him to sleep was a real struggle..

Moreover, being a new parent and a control freak, it was a habit of mine to control everyone in my household and to give commands of what to do and not to do.

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So can you imagine growing up with a mother like that?

It's no surprise one would hate oneself... Because one was ALWAYS WRONG!

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Nevertheless, let's get to why I hate my kids...

And I have a right to feel this way.

And every mother has a right to feel this way!

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Kids!

You have stepped and pooped and peed on my self-fulfilment!

I realise now that I wanted you because I thought you would make me happy...

But you haven't, and I'm pissed!

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I WANTED TO FEEL HAPPY!

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I breastfed you all on demand for a total of around 5.5 years!!!! 5.5 f*ing years! I was stuck with you, like in a cage.

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Also for years I endured sleepless nights!

I hated it!

I even remember how I cried because of that the nights after the second, third and fourth babies were born... I really suffered, a lot!

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Whatever I do, wherever I go, I have to keep in mind, where you are going to be, what you're going to eat, what you're going to do... Even now,  I still feel stuck in a cage.

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I NEED FREEDOM!

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I hate the mess that you make at home, I hate your toys, I hate playing with toys or boardgames, I hate to have to entertain you, I hate all those arts and crafts stuff.

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I NEED AIR AND BEAUTIFUL SPACE IN MY HOME!

I NEED A SPACE TO RECHARGE.. (does it have to be my home?..)

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I hate forcing you to brush teeth, to go outside, to eat vegetables, to go to bed at the time that you need to go in order to have a good night's sleep (cause no matter when you go, you still wake f*ing up before 7 am).

I hate to control you! I hate to be afraid for you!

I'm fed up with controlling how much screen time you're having...

I'm so f*ing fed up! I just want you to understand that what I say is good for you without that f*ing resistance!

I hate all this drama and quarrels that you have constantly..

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I NEED PEACE OF MIND.

I NEED PEACE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS!

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Because of you I myself can't have enough sleep cause my most creative work happens around midnight, but you wake f*ing up before 7 am and make lots of noise, so that I can't have a proper rest in the morning and then the whole day I feel like sh*t and only after you all are in bed at night, can I finally feel like I can do something...

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I NEED QUALITY SLEEP!

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F*ing sh*t! One more reason I had you is because I wanted to be liked by others (how embarrassing it is to admit it). It's f*ing unbelievable how every person I meet reacts to me with admiration when they find out I have 4 kids - almost every woman I meet tells me that I'm a SUPER F*ING WOMAN because I have 4 kids.

Kids, you're basically my rescuers - you satisfy my needs for admiration, respect, achievement...

I wanted to use you to become happy..  to save me from my purposeless petty existence..

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I'M SO SORRY FOR THAT.

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I WANTED TO BE HAPPY..

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If I knew earlier that no one else in the whole world can make me happy EXCEPT FOR ME... My life could have been totally different...

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But it is what it is, and I have been doing my best to survive, trying to be a good mother - I hated myself when I felt resentment towards you all...

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And I don't want to lie anymore - there's lots of pain... and there's lots of love too.. But love is almost completely covered by pain, it can't shine through.

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Well, it couldn't until tonight. Because tonight I realised that it's there for sure. And you deserve a mother whose love is available to you...

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Yes, my tears helped me to release some pain... and to feel love..

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I AM ACTUALLY ALREADY HAPPY. WITH YOU IN MY LIFE.

And soon you will finally feel my love and love inside yourselves and towards yourselves because there's no other way. When I feel love, you will naturally feel it too. And you don't owe me anything for my love, for my struggles and efforts.

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It was my choice to be a mother of 4 kids, and it's my responsibility to satisfy my needs (that are now clear to me after this spontaneous "expression exercise") in order to serve you with pure intentions - to be a truly supportive mother to you and not a victim that you have to rescue.

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My wonderful kids, you are my most precious treasures.

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Thanks to you I'm healing.

Thanks to you I'm honest.

And you are naturally benefiting from it.

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I didn't have to share this publicly, but I am sharing. (I actually didn't share then)

I'm sharing this for mothers who feel stuck, lost, full of resentment and pain - who are angry with themselves for feeling what they feel.

You are not alone. You have a right to feel what you feel. Recognising and honouring these very unpleasant feelings is going to help you heal and to feel love that all of us are longing. It will help us thrive and to pass self-acceptance and love on to our children.

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I love you.

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For those who are judging right now:

The fact that you're judging means that there's a lot of pain inside you, and I'd like to congratulate you on managing to recognise that inner judge. The next step towards thriving will be to honour your judging feeling and to ask yourselves what you need when you're so judgemental.. 

It might be the freedom of expression - have you ever expressed your resentment and hatred towards your loved ones? You don't have to do it into their faces, but recognising that you have it inside, expressing it in your mind or writing it out is truly healing. Because ultimately it's not about them - IT'S ABOUT YOU and IT'S FOR YOU. And you and they are going to benefit from it.

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Sending you love and hugs.